nguyen, gloria

i spend so much time feeling sorry for myself, worrying about myself, caring only about MYSELF, that i found myself neglecting my friends and family. i found myself brushing off their needs and complaining about my own. i havent realized how selfish ive become until this point.

im going to change.

i dont need you in order to keep myself happy. i only told myself that because i WANTED you to keep my happy. but WANTING is not half as important as NEEDING, and since i dont NEED you, therefore i shouldnt WANT you. and so i dont. i dont want you. not anymore. after i spilled out my feelings and cried about it, i realized that i didnt want you because you arent worth my time. i have no hard feelings, i just decided to stand on my own rather than counting on someone i cared about but couldnt trust.

my mom has been telling me that ever since junior prom, ive had this “fuck you” attitude to the world. she says that although shes happy that im picking up my slack and getting my life back in order, she’s not happy with the fact that i dont seem happy anymore. im always angsty, always moody, always ready to blow up on the next person who pisses me off. in most ways, shes right. im always angry and its always bottled inside of me. its because im surrounded by immature people who refuse to grow up and let go. its because i have a father who wont take responsibility and throws all the work into my hands. its because im not a good person and im tired of people trying to make me out as one. all i want to do is live everyday one by one so i can finally be where i want to be. a college graduate with a masters degree in some subject.

isnt that sad? i dont even know what i want to be yet. i keep changing my mind from a pediatrician, to a teacher, to a person who helps run daycares, to an accountant. but what i really want is to do something that involves me helping kids in need. or in me helping the elderly. i never really got along well with people my age. i have friends, but i feel so much more comfortable talking to elders or spending time with kids. kids are so full of innocence, are always so happy, it makes you happy. elders have been through it all, and even if you cant talk to your parents, you can always talk to another adult who’s done the same thing. they can give you advice, etc etc.

TIME TO RISE TO THE TOP.

just as i found the courage to IM you, you signed off.

i don’t even have to courage to IM you. what am i afraid of? getting rejected, getting laughed at in the face, getting ignored. im scared that you don’t even want to talk to me. this is just a rambling of my thoughts. i miss you, i know that. there’s no doubt about it. but maybe turning to the past isnt the way for me to go.

i have a lot to think about.

(via chrissyyx3)

not that i’m going to be talking about anything deep, but if i’m not careful then i’m going to FIND myself in deep shit. hence the title. i have a lot to think about tonight. and i need to keep my feelings in check, because i’m not sure that reminiscing is such a good idea. lord knows that i’ve regretted a lot of choices i’ve made, though.

dude this isn’t even a coherent blog. i’m going to bed. night guys

fk them all. i hate reminiscing, i look back on stuff that wasn’t and never will be true. it bothers me how gullible i was. im such a sucker for guys. it all changes now. from now on, the guy needs to prove to me that he even wants me at all. im tired of having to pick up the slack, im tired of picking people who dont want me. im done with all of it. completely done. i dont want anymore bad memories, ive had enough.

yosemite is great so far. im feeling a little more peaceful than before, but its still eh. im trying though. relaxation takes time.

i can always talk to you, always let my rambling thoughts out.

i feel so confused, i dont know who i am anymore. actually, strike that. i know exactly who i am, but i dont want it to show. not the vulnerable side of me anyway. i feel torn between wanting to finally just break down and cry and let it all out and be weak as opposed being the strong person i want to be, that i want my family to see. i try talking to people and they help a little, but i have to figure out a solution on my own.

im never happy anymore. i have moments when i laugh at a silly joke or something, but i dont know when was the last time i actually felt, happy. like.. content with myself. i dont know how those girls who are larger than i am are so comfortable with wearing tight shirts. how theyre willing to flaunt their not so skinniness. theyre so proud of their voluptuous figure, why cant i be proud of mine? im so self conscious, i hate wearing tight clothes. im always in baggy clothes nowadays, just to hide myself, just to make myself look thinner. i feel so much more horrible everyday. i cant live up to the smart kids in my school, im a failure at being “asian”, ive heard it a million times, and the mocking disappointment. sure, it seems funny, and yeah, i laugh along, but underneath, that shit actually hurts. im too sensitive, i let everything hurt me, but i try to hide it. i cant even control my anger now, i blow up at every small thing. i never had this big of an issue with anger before.. i hate who im becoming. when i was a freshman, i promised myself i would be on the top of everyone, i would succeed and make everyone proud of me, but here i am, 2 years later, at the opposite side of the spectrum where i originally anticipated i would be. i have friends, yet i feel so lonely, to the point where i feel like no one understands me. i still dont think anyone understands me. i dont want pity. i hate pity. i just want something other than “its going to be okay” or “youre just imagining things, dont worry about it”.

lies. too many lies rule my world. i want hard core truth, no matter how brutal it is. i just want to —- fk i know exactly how to describe how im feeling right now. have you ever read the play “death of a salesman”? well, in the play, theres a character named biff, who grew up with a family who did nothing but lie to themselves and he got so fed up with it. he had so much anger inside of him, he resented his parents, his brother, yet he loved them too. i feel just like biff. its disheartening. i feel like everyone around me are feeding me white lies, trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. im appreciative of their efforts, but its causing a lot more damage than good. all i want is the brutal truth. i want it straight up, no fancy talk, no sugar coating anything. if i ask you “am i fat?”, i want the truth. dont say “no of course not” because you think youre sparing my feelings. if you seriously think im fat just say so! because its something i need to hear. i want to live on truth, not on reassurance.

fuck, im a crazy bitch.

it keeps piling up. im trying my hardest to keep my emotions at bay, but today i finally cracked. im weak. i dont like crying and i especially dont like letting anyone see me cry. but the thing i hate most is when i let that one person wear me down. are you happy now, dad? did you get what you want? ive been reduced to shame and tears thanks to you. i hope youre happy. calling me a “fucking irritating annoying disgrace” and going on about how horrible i am for an hour. you used the word “fuck” in every sentence. you also used “fuck” as a sentence on its own. go ahead and say what you want. the minute i graduate, you wont be seeing me around as much anymore. i’ll go out every night and come home at 3 in the morning just to spite you. maybe you’ll appreciate me more for who i am now.

but i cant do that to my mom. or my brothers. it wouldnt be fair to them. maybe i wont go out til 3 in the morning. i’ll just stop talking to my dad. we dont get along, anyway. obviously. but i dont care. i refuse to let him hurt me again. he wont ever get another chance to do so. i’m going to prove him wrong and show him im not the failure that he is.