i spend so much time feeling sorry for myself, worrying about myself, caring only about MYSELF, that i found myself neglecting my friends and family. i found myself brushing off their needs and complaining about my own. i havent realized how selfish ive become until this point.
im going to change.
i dont need you in order to keep myself happy. i only told myself that because i WANTED you to keep my happy. but WANTING is not half as important as NEEDING, and since i dont NEED you, therefore i shouldnt WANT you. and so i dont. i dont want you. not anymore. after i spilled out my feelings and cried about it, i realized that i didnt want you because you arent worth my time. i have no hard feelings, i just decided to stand on my own rather than counting on someone i cared about but couldnt trust.
my mom has been telling me that ever since junior prom, ive had this “fuck you” attitude to the world. she says that although shes happy that im picking up my slack and getting my life back in order, she’s not happy with the fact that i dont seem happy anymore. im always angsty, always moody, always ready to blow up on the next person who pisses me off. in most ways, shes right. im always angry and its always bottled inside of me. its because im surrounded by immature people who refuse to grow up and let go. its because i have a father who wont take responsibility and throws all the work into my hands. its because im not a good person and im tired of people trying to make me out as one. all i want to do is live everyday one by one so i can finally be where i want to be. a college graduate with a masters degree in some subject.
isnt that sad? i dont even know what i want to be yet. i keep changing my mind from a pediatrician, to a teacher, to a person who helps run daycares, to an accountant. but what i really want is to do something that involves me helping kids in need. or in me helping the elderly. i never really got along well with people my age. i have friends, but i feel so much more comfortable talking to elders or spending time with kids. kids are so full of innocence, are always so happy, it makes you happy. elders have been through it all, and even if you cant talk to your parents, you can always talk to another adult who’s done the same thing. they can give you advice, etc etc.
TIME TO RISE TO THE TOP.